reasons for seasons

change is an interesting concept and quite a catch 22...

we long for change yet we fear it. we love to see new things, yet fear losing the past. we like to be comfortable and stable, yet desire a totally different routine/environment. the spontaneous long to be scheduled, while the structured long for spontaneity. we grieve saying goodbye to friends, but welcome new ones. we encourage one another to move away, but desire to buy a home and stay in one place... we want to go somewhere new for vacation, but love the memories and warmth of the place we often go. we always seem to want the next job, but like the comfort of the one we have... change can completely restore us, while stability can bring fulfillment as well...

I personally get so attached to people, situations, feelings, etc. that I have a difficult time with change and transition. on the other hand, I seem to be a pretty well-adjusted person which means I find myself doing well once the change has happened and I'm acquanted once again to the new circumstance. I have come to learn that I have seperation anxiety and deal with it every single day. anxiety and unsettledness fill my heart at the end of each day, simply because I am attached to the day! it's just so hard to let go of it. do I really have to start all over again tomorrow? I am fine with this day... why can't this day just continue? in the mornings, I feel joyful because I have adjusted to a new day. maybe it's when I feel the most in control? or maybe its the point in the day where I am the least attached so I actually have the most freedom? ...each Friday at work, I have a bit of sadness that the week is over, not meaning I wish I could work more hours, just a refelection of "did I do the week well? is that it?" I fear the free time of the weekend because I am used to the full schedule of the week. each Sunday night, I panic, as you might guess... do I have to let go of the weekend already? but I like my freedom, staying up late, and visiting with friends and family... what will Monday bring? I forget what it feels like at work every day? I know that co-workers come and go... but when they go, I feel sad and think things just won't ever be the same again. why do I feel like no one else experiences this? maybe this is why I love to send cards to people or email them after we have just spent time together. making sure I get enough closure seems to help me close this gap. I must learn that people come in and out of our lives for different lengths of seasons and for different reasons. we must make the most of every opportunity because we don't know what the next day brings... if I spend too much time grieving what has passed, I may miss the next lesson that God has for me.

so those are just some of my thoughts around the complexity of change. It's my biggest enemy and my deepest desire... it causes me to weep and feel my lowest, and laugh so hard as my joy bubbles over. how can one concept hold such extremes?